There was silence at a distance. I was slowly moving towards it as I slipped into the much-needed shut eye after a long fought day. I have always longed for a peaceful night of sleep. Cannot remember the last time I had one! As I lay down waiting for the gentle embrace of tranquillity, my thoughts wandered across the day I endured to be here, now. The radiating smiles, the struggles of the downtrodden, the emphatic expressions of the affluent and most commonly, the stressed-out facies of the working class.
As I soaked in Hans Zimmer’s orchestral masterpiece “Time”, my mind became one with silence. Sleep had found me, alas! The sound of silence is vocal, yet too defiant to our mind. I do not know what happened suddenly, the sound progressively amplified. It developed a character, appeared dynamic, and each frequency was distinguishable to my lending ears. It filled the air like ripples on water, surrounding all around and within. I was gasping for air, while being drowned in it. A feeling of light weighted ness, as if I were floating in thin air. But something was not letting me drift afloat. I tried to wiggle myself out of it. But it just did not work! I struggled again, and again, and again. I felt a constant pull on my face, which was beyond my resistive control. I wanted to touch my face, to see if it was my mind messing with me. That is when a gush of reality hit me, the startled awakening of my consciousness. The light that sneaked through the slits on my window blind illuminated the ceiling, as I opened my eyes for consciousness to take control over my body.
One side of my body felt heavier than the other for the first time in my life. I tried to move my hand, but it refused to comply. My legs were not any better either. It felt like a part of me was buried alive. I was frightened, way more than the things that scared me till date. I felt my mind gently crushing against the walls it lives in, as my consciousness became clouded. My vocal cords tried to tense up, to cry out loud, but my voice refused to express itself. Here I am, lying on the bed, not able to move, not able to talk, dreading the inevitable.
I gazed at my phone connected to the charger on the table, wanting to reach out for it, but my body was pinned to the bed and my mind, drifting afloat. My heart slowed down, and my head throbbed in unison with the ticking clock on my desk. And like the crescendo piece of an orchestral rendition, my head throbbed. I could see darkness pulling me towards it. It appeared quiet and peaceful. My breathing slowed without my consent, and again I was gasping for air, while being drowned in it. Like a flickering light bulb, my consciousness struggled to stay alight. In the last moments of my conscious mind, I hoped to wake up from this bad dream, just for another moment in life- to be alive and happy. The music had reached its grand finale as I drifted into the void.
And then there was light, as my heart stopped, my mind in a limbo and my pupils dilated. Silence consumed me, as I drifted into eternal slumber.
Authored by:
Dr. Sreenath P. R.
MBBS, MS, MCh Neurosurgery (SCTIMST)
Fellowship in Skull base & Endoscopic Neurosurgery (SCTIMST)
Consultant Neurosurgeon
